In a bold move to resuscitate its genocide-battered tourism industry, Israel’s Ministry of Tourism announced a new initiative this week: “Get Baptized In Jewish Spit.” The project aims at bringing American Christians to Israel so they can be rapturously soaked in the only fluid that’s holier than holy water: pure, fresh, kosher, locally-sourced 100% organic Jewish saliva.
Genghis Cohen, Minister of Religious Tourism, said the move aims to transubstantiate what is sometimes perceived as a negative experience—getting spat on by the people who killed Jesus—into a positive one. “Jesus was a Jew,” Cohen explained, “albeit a self-hating, eminently crucifiable one with a Roman soldier for a father and w***e for a mother—a b*****d who is now boiling in eternal excrement. Nonetheless he carried sacred Jewish DNA. And guess what? So does Jewish spit! So when you’re getting spat on by Jews, you’re being soaked in the chosen DNA of your Eternal Lord and Savior…and we’re laughing all the way to the bank.”
According to Cohen, spit baptisms, like regular ones, offer a profoundly spiritual death-and-rebirth experience. “Immersion in Jewish spit washes Christians clean and removes the sin of antisemitism,” Cohen enthused. “You’ll emerge as a totally new person: a goyim slave fit for the messianic age.”
Cohen explained that there are spit baptism packages for every price range, from budget excursions with dicey accomodations featuring one or two no-frills gobbings and hawkings by small groups of freeloading rabbinical students, to opulent retreats in five-star hotels with heated olympic-sized swimming pools brimming with slobbery kosher froth. Megadonors to Israeli causes can also book special sputum-splattering sessions with Israeli’s rabbinical council, the Israeli parliament, or even Netanyahu’s cabinet.
Cohen explained that American politicians on all-expenses-paid spit-baptism junkets will continue to be offered dunkings, showerings, splatterings, and immersions in numerous varieties and flavors of Jewish bodily fluids and excrements, and that such proceedings will be filmed and used as leverage to ensure continued American support for Zionist genocide.
The White House quickly endorsed the new program, as Trump tweeted a promotional film imagining Gaza as a gigantic spit-baptism water park. Congressional leaders of both parties rushed to AIPAC headquarters to sign up for the latest round of bodily-fluid-immersion junkets, though antisemites Marjorie Taylor Greene and Thomas Massie demurred, with Greene tweeting:
“Spit baptism?! I’d rather be shat on by a pink heifer.”
